Designing Intimacy ~ When a Relationship is Ready for a Tune-Up

Couples often return for a few sessions after time and events have changed things.

For example:

• after the first one-and-a-half years of passion
• after a baby is born
• after stressful changes or events have been resolved
• after about a seven year cycle
• after a move, a job change, an illness, etc.

I will hear from them; they ask for a ‘tune-up.’

One of the biggest changes is how we adapt internally. If we are sensitive to those subtle shifts in ourselves, they can add a bit of the novelty and arousal which keeps a relationship renewed. In a sense, we are more than we were before.

Sometimes the changes have deprived us of a dynamic which we relished and it may be lost for good. Like when we celebrate the arrival of a baby.

A brief case history:

Why Can’t I Be Excited About Having a Baby?

Once a young executive came to see me. He was nervous and honest.  He confessed how he was privately alarmed at how he was not feeling happy about his wife’s pregnancy and how his emotional disturbance displaced his usual love for his wife.

They would soon be parents and it was the wonderful fulfillment of a long-imagined mutual dream.

They had a beautiful marriage. They were truly best friends and intimate lovers. He was deeply grateful for their years of deep intimacy, work and fabulous international travel together.

They agreed that it was time for their first child.

But, this dear husband hadn’t considered what they were going to lose forever. They were losing the relationship and the lifestyle that they had created and that had meant the world to them for many years.

So, even though it was time to pivot towards parenthood, he couldn’t feel the excitement for the next part of their life together. So, he came to talk to me. And, as we worked to help him examine his losses and the stages of grief, it made sense to him. He left with the turmoil validated and healthy so he could work through the losses and be joyfully ready when his baby arrived.

I was able to mentor him how he couldn’t be happy yet because first he needed to grieve the losses, let go of the past and look ahead with anticipation. He could fall in love with his wife in a completely new way as a mother and as his partner in raising their precious child. The joys would be multiplied and the passions would be expanded though different and unexplored.

Sometimes a relationship update conversation with an elder, a counselor or a mentor is a fast forward to even more confidence, gratitude and love.

Have you experienced one of those bumps in the road? It’s always great to hear comments and questions from my readers or viewers.