Rebuilding Trust After an Affair

Three Phases to Rebuilding Trust

1. RETURN: Stop, Repair, Apologize, Understand
2. ADJUST: Anger, Grief, Mourning, Forgiveness, Let Go
3. REBUILD: Communication, Build a Bond, Deep Friendship

BOND HEARTS AGAIN
Yes, I will fight for your marriage or family until you tell me to quit. I am convinced that, even when we make the mistake of betraying a trust, it’s a mistake, something was missing. Only very rarely does infidelity of any sort come from evil intent. Yes, it may be revengeful but that comes from caring. (But, when there is no genuine empathy, an intimate relationship is pretty much impossible.) So, when we sincerely want to rebuild trust, I know that it can be done. It helps when both people are invested. And, when one is tentative, with enough improvements and healing over enough time, hearts bond again and, often, even more deeply.

NEW PARADIGM~ STOP BLAME ~ SEEK CAUSES
This is the new paradigm to help people recover their relationship by rebuilding trust. I start with avoiding blame, guilt, judgment and negativity. When trust is betrayed, there is already so much pain and shame. And, in my view the quest is to understand the source…my supposition is that we aren’t born with the will to do harm. We want to love and be loved.

BLINDED & BETRAYED BY TRADITIONS
Rebuilding trust may be the most demanding work in your entire life. It’s usually equally demanding for the betrayer and the betrayed. Adjusting to the loss and the broken dreams can be devastating and traumatizing to the one who was betrayed as well as to the one who betrayed, damaged or compromised it all. Unfortunately, the current relationship has been broken and lost.

FATAL MISTAKE ~ MUST START OVER
Seldom do people make a decision to betray the trust of a loved one. The betrayal usually happens bit by bit. And, it is a fatal mistake. Fatal to the existing relationship. We are actually pre-disposed to quality relationships. But, our ability to establish and maintain a quality relationship may be stunted or compromised by many different kinds of undeveloped or wounded parts of ourselves. And, the experiences which form our beliefs about ourselves, lifestyle or relationships may affect our bonds throughout life.

QUICK START ~ When you are ready to start over, here are three constructive things you can choose to do daily.

1. DESIGN A NEW RELATIONSHIP
Finding out when your loved one is unfaithful, it can feel like an unforgivable betrayal. It can be a deal-breaker. However, if both of you want the marriage, there are ways to start over and rebuild a new bond. It may take stopping and changing your lifestyle, your friendships, your job, hobbies or social community. And, it may take quite a bit of time going through the changes of letting go and of reconnecting through better experiences to rebuild and design a new marriage.

2. FEARLESSNESS & FORGIVENESS
If we can’t find our way through forgiveness, there are significant barriers to the depth possible in a relationship. But, when we can partner through this chaos and cleanup, the new relationship becomes more meaningful and fearless than you could predict nor imagine.

3. COMMUNICATION & PASSION
An intimate relationship requires two dynamics. We need to be best friends which means there are no significant secrets and we communicate honestly and courteously about everything that matters to us. And, we need to have a romantic bond which includes loving through emotional and sexual intimacy. Included are parts of the Designer Marriage Course which has practical tools to develop advanced communication abilities and to reconnect through passion. Taking the adult roles of Husband and Wife necessitate putting the needs of the other person first. It is possible to build an even better marriage by an uncommonly deeper understanding of how to deliver the different gender and personality needs.

Here is a simple chart to remind you of the Three Phases to ReBuilding Trust. You can print and use this to make sure you build a deeper bond.