Stopping Self-Sabotage

Make and Shape Your Life

Of all the beautiful truths pertaining to the soul which have been restored and brought to light in this age, none is more gladdening or fruitful of divine promise and confidence than this – that man is the master of thought, the molder of character, and the maker and shaper of condition, environment, and destiny.
-James Allen

The Habits of Self-Sabotage –
Coping Mechanisms

A NEW DIRECTION: What do you need to leave behind, fight off, make
peace with or move past? Until we turn away from identifying with the
old, we forget that merely turning to face in a new direction reveals
the next part of your journey.

Given that you have your survival needs met, note the fear-based coping
mechanisms you use to sabotage yourself in each of the classic archetypes
or developmental roles below:

1. SURVIVOR – Lacks Trust and Contentment

* Isolated: interpersonal connections are emotionally cold, distanced or indifferent. Boundaries are too tight to avoid emotional connection causing an undeveloped ability for intimacy.
* Selfish: feeling self-pity or sorry for the self and looking for needs to be met without empathy or consideration for others and or their needs, too. Be a bully or tyrant by being a User/Taker.
* Be a Problem: Manipulate or try to control people with domination and/or making others feel guilty to get their needs met or for their own ends.
* Anxious: very intelligent but have strong fears about having enough resources, money or security which preclude them being true to their dreams and desires.

2. ORPHAN – Lacks Emotional Intelligence and Intimacy

* Needy: interpersonal connections are over-emotional, enmeshed or dependent. Be the nice guy/gal by being a Pleaser/Giver. Boundaries are too loose with fear of being alone, of lacking attention or being unwanted.
* Charming: make promises that sound good to them but that they cannot possibly keep; develop a pattern of unreliability using their engaging interpersonal abilities as a substitute for effort.
* Unemotional: focus on intellect and action to the detriment of relationships and understanding. Lack of emotional self-awareness, rarely cry and lack warmth, playfulness and passion. Difficulty in connecting with others, in giving and receiving affection.
* Blaming: think their lack of success is due to the misunderstanding, jealousy, and incompetence of others. They generally engage in impressive displays of emotion designed to direct attention away from their shortcomings or failures.

3. VICTIM – Lacks Self-Esteem or Worthy Identity

* Ignorant – people without models or traditions of high achievement, the undeveloped lack accurate information about themselves.
* Self-Doubting: block their success by holding high standards they feel they can never possibly meet; they attend to and mercilessly emphasize their own faults and failings to such an extent that they do not appreciate what they DO accomplish.
* Unworthy: focus on minimizing risks; avoid situations in which they could possibly fail, fear they might not be worthy of the dream but it might disappoint them and they prefer not to know.
* Undeserving: invested in having just enough to get by, living hand-to-mouth because they judge themselves undeserving.

4. BETRAYER – Lacks Spiritual or Moral Intelligence

* Perfectionism: are highly-talented people for whom success comes easily or not at all. If they can’t be other than the very best, they have no interest in participating.
* Righteous: held back by indignation and resistance to new ideas or change. May be critical, controlling or threatening. May hide behind judgments.
* Cheating: tries to get away with things by avoiding accountability, morality and trustworthiness through evasiveness, lying, and self-betrayal.
* Trapped: feel hopelessly immobilized by contradictory ambitions; feel they cannot extricate themselves from their mutually neutralizing ambitions and wishes.
* Revengeful: spread lies or gossip about others, planning and enacting damage to another in reaction against a perceived or experienced hurt or injustice.

5. SABOTEUR – Lacks Ability for Self-Direction and Success

* Procrastinating: postpone major decisions and commitments; they evade permanence, engagement and seriousness keep trying out possibilities but to not engage fully.
* Stopping Short: work hard up to a point but stubbornly keep their efforts just below the threshold necessary for success or completion.
* Rebelling: aggressively strike out at the world and go against authority. An “I’ll get them before they get me,” attitude. They refuse to comply with demands instead of seeing them as opportunities to explore their strengths against a standard.
* Risking: energetic and impulsive, they habitually take unnecessary risks that minimize success and often ensure their own defeat. Would rather fail in a blaze of glory than succeed through patient effort.
* Indulgent: chief characteristics are passivity or lack of initiative and their disengagement with others and life. May be comfort-seeking, entitled, self-medicating, addicted or self-indulgent. Avoidant or refusing to participate.
* Punishing: stiffly self-discipline themselves, are obedient to an internalized critical parent who whips them to succeed, harsh judgment of self to the detriment of their life balance.

Rank how the Five archetypes are your chief sources of self-sabotage:

SURVIVOR        _______
ORPHAN           _______
VICTIM             _______
BETRAYER        _______
SABOTEUR        _______

Notice that the sources of self-sabotage are buried in the past and usually result from ignorance in the out-dated manner of the parenting we received. To stop your self-sabotage requires a kind and pragmatic decision to solve the problem by providing the resources necessary for success. Which archetype and coping mechanisms do you choose to master first? Imagine that you have agreed to empower a child or a person you care for and that you immediately go to work providing with what her or she needs. For example: a mentor, organizing materials, a college course, a room or space, funding, a work-out buddy, etc.

Get real, be generous and be practical. You deserve the tools you need to succeed.

3 Comments

  1. I’ve read a number of things on your site and am interested to visit and see how you might be able to help.

    Do you have any availability in the evenings after work?

    • Dear David,

      I haven’t been into my website comments for a month…sorry you haven’t heard from me.
      Yes, I do see clients in the evenings. give me a call or send me your phone number and let’s see what you need. I’m happy to answer any of your questions.
      Best wishes,
      Heather

    • Hi, David!
      Yes, I do see clients after work. Just give me a call and I’ll answer all of your questions. 214-636-5889

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