FIGHTING AND THE UNDEVELOPED MIND (HONORING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH): Part of my mission is to help stop fighting. Verbal or physical fighting is something that decent people know how to calm and derail in small children. Then, starting in childhood, we refuse to waste our time and intelligence in conflict. It feels bad. It causes harm.
AIR OUR GRIEVANCES SAFELY: When differences arise, we can learn how to solve the problem by willingness to understand both sides. That means the mental ability to sidestep the need to agree, the need to have control over someone else or their opinions, the use of power to force or assault others or the drive to deliver punishment. The best approach is understanding human or social interaction and how communication works. Our ability to be confident, empathetic and knowledgeable makes it effective and respectful. We can be willing to listen completely and to air our grievances safely. We can mentor our children by helping them practice. Some schools implement Peer Mediation or Peer Facilitation prepping the students for thoughtful conflict management through their lifespan.
CHESS VS MONOPOLY — INNER EXECUTIVE VS PROTECTOR:
Using the Internal Executive Function is like playing Chess in your thoughts rather than Monopoly. Monopoly rides on the randomness of a throw of dice and staying on a linear path and protecting our money and property. Chess offers many possible moves and series of moves.
EGYPT VS DALLAS: It reminds me of my trip to Egypt. When we were taken on a beautiful air-conditioned German bus to The Valley of the Kings, there was just ONE road and it was straight North and South along the Nile River. Contrast that with the options offered to me by my GPS just to get to our friend’s house for dinner; I look at the detours around parks, the traffic, the size of the roads or streets, rush hour, etc. and choose my most effective strategy knowing that it may change during the course of the trip.
Labyrinth of Possible Road Strategies
WILLINGNESS TO LEARN: When a couple comes to me for help with their fighting, I am responsible to deliver accurate and practical information. When my clients say, “That makes sense.” Their next words are usually: “What do we do?” They are ready to learn. And, in my field as a marriage counselor, there is always more to learn, more excellence, more refinement, more maturity, more wisdom ahead. I like to think: “If you don’t ask, you won’t know what you are missing.”
MENTAL WOUNDS REQUIRE MORE: This all makes logical sense. And, with information available online, we can find education which suits us. My You Tube Channel has eight one-hour videos on my Couples Communication Guide…free to anyone. However, when I encounter people who were abused or traumatized, pure logic, knowledge and emotional intelligence won’t work. That’s when we need professional guidance.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims. Intimate partners committed 3% of the nonfatal violence against men (2003). Intimate partner violence made up 20% of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women (2001). Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States (2000). In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female) (2000).
LEAVE ABUSE: Here is the link to Belleruth Naparstek’s trustworthy article: How to Leave your Abuser. If you need help, encouragement or a listening ear, please call me ASAP: 214-636-5889.
PARENTING: Consider how often you hear yourself say: “Well my Dad/Mom did it this way…” We determine the goodness of our children’s lives and relationships by how we behave, solve arguments and help them to find resolutions.
Each time we encounter a child, we are having an impact.