Designer Marriage – Mentoring Couples Who Care

Heather and Jack

Heather and Jack

Couples Communication

The first exercises I give couples are these on communication. These self-assessments always help us notice what we are missing.

Table of Contents

Part Two: Communication

    1. Men and Women Really are from Different Planets 7
    2. Bunny Ya’But and Rabbit Ya’But 8
    3. Listening Self-Assessment Quiz 10
    4. Expert Speaking Abilities Quiz 14
    5. Common Sense Communication 18
    6. Format for Good Communication about Problems 19
    7. complaint with a request for change 19

Includes 10 hours of Video at

Part III. Making Sacred the Cycle

Making Sacred the Cycle

Nature’s grand patterns follow the sacred cycle.
The movement of breath: In, suspend, out.
The waves tumble in.
The foam pauses, motion held…
And the water slides back into the ocean.

The cycle of the seasons, heavens and generations
Inspire wonder, anticipation and ritual recognizing that order.
With watching millennia, decades and days comes trust.
Spring follows Winter with endless awakening out of hibernation.
Woman and man unite, babies are born and elders pass away.

We watch the movement and its mystery.
Questing and questioning the infinity.
Thrilling to the continuous majesty.
Weeping at the beauty.
Settling into faith and peace.

Directing water and air and earth and fire.
Erecting homes and gathering places.
Wielding materials for shelter and industry.
Events, traditions, ceremonies, rituals and rites
Expressing gratitude, love and humility.

Continual renewal with community parenting.
Foundational friendships and mentoring bonds.
Collaborative creativity for purposeful works.
Playful games and striving for more.
Made to mark the movement of time and souls.

Death now the release.
The way of honored elders leaving by passing away.
Heritage passed on to precious young.
Healing and hospice spirited with tenderness and compassion.
Making sacred the cycle of living and dying without objection, with acceptance.

The circle of aliveness is held in hearts and minds.
For the wise ones tell the stories that teach beyond black and white.
New minds learn the ease with rough seas and troubled waters.
Bodies, schooled by team and art, move freely with rolling decks.
Mistakes, misunderstandings and hurts are regretted and forgiven.

Love in all dimensions…a passion for experience and skill.
Desire for partners, place and peace.
Longing to serve for an opportunity of honor.
Gratitude for the magnificent and the minor.
Joy in reverence for life and a life are held in each soul.

Study the breadth of humanity’s ancient wisdom.
Mine the depths of mankind’s stories for the costs and the creations.
Every gem awaits, already faceted and set in a sacred symbol.
Listen, learn, observe, be entertained, appalled and inspired.
Above all, put parenting. We can only know and become what the adults provide.

Every jewel offered by history elegantly reflects simplicity…
the universal good which is: know yourself, love others and treasure life.

by Heather Carlile
Dallas, Texas July 2016

July 2, 2016
After watching “The Life of Pi” movie on AA 81 DFW to Denver, after the shootings and deaths of police officers in Dallas and the killings in Nice, France. July 14th is a sacred ritual day in France: Bastille Day.

Part II. Hunger for the Light

Hunger for the Light

What quickens the hunger for the light again?
The recipe for love of life has many myriad layers:
When Earth becomes home and Nature awakens awe.
Our peoples connect cognition with caring.
Respect for all life lies at the foundation of belief…

…when suffering is unnatural and reverence overrides ignorance,
when all creatures and peoples are fascinating not frustrating.
when woman and man and child and animal and land co-create,
explore, learn, design, produce and preserve good,
when they garden their planet.

Matured minds see the dimensions of color…with expanded sensing
that goes beyond the child’s need for right and wrong…
seeing subtleties with wise eyes that believe in finding a way through.
They teach hope through ideas on how we may reclaim,
and possess, sometimes for the first time, some sort of strength or loveliness that will not fail us.

Good can prevail if it is not dirtied by abandonment.
But, denigrate a woman — and her greatest labor is killed.
Her love is replaced with a half-death; good is abandoned.
Her children are neglected and have little of life.
The family is a farce and the suffering starts.

Good can prevail if it is not dirtied by poverty.
But, ignore a man and his building power is destroyed.
His drive is replaced with self-pity; good is abandoned.
His work is ill-defined and offers little to life.
The family receives his impotent rage and the suffering starts.

A woman kept safe and nourished in her home.
Her man protecting and his work providing.
They make heir marriage intimate best friends.
Babies and youths laughing and learning.
Families for fun and fostering at home and with neighbors.

A man empowered with the bravery for respectful honesty.
His woman smiling and partnering at his side.
They make their marriage intimate best friends.
Leading his young into adventure and mastery.
Showing the zest and humor which elevate his service.

Neighborhoods combine for cooperation and building.
The tribes share cooking, talking and walking.
Learning is held as life’s common language for young and old.
Lands are cultivated for food and fruit and flowers.
Vibrant cities bustle with productivity providing abundant supplies.

Such goodnesses bely black and white by their infinite hues:
Fear foments failure vs forgiveness when minimizing a friend’s fault.
Fathers and mothers tend to tykes and teens in the ultimate travail.
Buddies debate causes and bear differences and foibles.
Partners correct course as one and extend progress because they are united.

There’s no need to seek the hunger for the light
when the family is a caring system and
when good cheer and purpose suffuse daily routine.
Because adults continue to parent children at all ages
Motivating and teaching each step of the way to maturity.

Trauma…when counter-will is relentless and
when defensive rage explodes or implodes,
we know that desecration of the good has been perpetrated
and harm beyond bearing has been done.

In the traumatized there is no willingness until the wound is healed,
the violation is resolved, the terror is quieted or
the damage is acknowledged by restitution and a return to respect.
Only then, can the suffering stop
so that humanity may return to the light of sympathy and civility.

by Heather Carlile
Dallas, Texas July 2016

Next: Part III. Making Sacred the Cycle