As a Marriage Counselor, I am always playing detective. I listen carefully to each person – I hear the stories, the examples, the word-usage, the type of emotional response, the levels of perception or judgement, signs of inflexibility, etc. Sometimes the cause of difficulties or conflict is not obvious. But, often, when I probe about childhood role models it reveals an unconscious life script. The heroes we identify with as our brain develops can program our view of ourselves and others and the world in stiff patterns. We create habits and judgements based on the talents and gifts perceived in the hero. But, children aren’t mature enough to see what’s missing or what’s unrealistic. It can be pretty disconcerting looking through adult and discerning eyes at how we can (and, probably did) limit ourselves and misinterpret life based on those fondly-held heroes.

You can learn about what happened “When Tarzan Married Cinderella” on my 4-part You Tube presentation.

P.S. I had the best time with Dr. McDonald’s students – they had insightful questions…a few I’d never encountered before. I’m looking forward to more!

Composer, musician, professor, Dr. Mike Bogle, helped me contribute to Beverly Hill’s Gendercide Awareness Project this month.

Beverly was given a copy of the German documentary, “Caught in an Unjust World: To be a woman in India,” a film by Marion Mayer-Hohdahl. Beverly found a translator and asked me if I would be willing to record the voice over in English. I was thrilled to be able to help!

Then, as luck would have it, I met Dr. Mike Bogle at a Blue Candlelight chamber music concert.

Beverly gave me the script and I took it into Mike. He welcomed me to his recording studio. We completed the recording and became fast friends. Thanks, so much, Mike!

A relentless passion drives my wanting to understand gender difference. My curiosity about male and female roles started when I was in high school. I’m STILL learning. And, as a Marriage Counselor, I learn intimate details about real relationships every week. I am very sensitive to the privilege I have in being a woman loved and respected in true reciprocity by her husband. And, I have no illusions about how so many of our global cultural traditions are “Playing With Fire” in the inequity in marriages and intimate relationships and family systems.

I am driven to articulate the problem (one of the most severe is gendercide), the costs (about 200 million women are currently dead), the goals (infusing new beliefs in our cultural milieu) and how to get there (the lessons in my Designer Marriage book). So, I’ve been refining my knowledge in my private practice work with couples and in my workshops for my colleagues. Now, because of the success couples attribute to my work with them, I think that it’s time that expand outside the private space in my office and that I teach in public places.

You Tube videos and Google Hangouts are available to me with perfect timing!

AS SEEN ON

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I discovered a rare moment, which was captured by PBS, of hearing the voice of this woman who is so authentic that she has passionate power, delicate reverence and shimmering light. I feel that Lera Auerbach has the genius of Beethoven. She has the language of Goethe and Rilke. She has the femininity of The Lady of the Lake. She has the strength of Wagner. She has the tenderness of Mother Theresa. She is a composer (here she says how music is a language of the heart and soul), a wife, a poet, a friend, an artist, a daughter, a lover of her little pets, a visionary and a living creator of, and an advocate for, great art.

I grieved when I couldn’t fly to San Francisco to attend the American premiere of her ballet with Hamburg Ballet’s chief choreographer, John Neumeier, “The Little Mermaid” in March 2010. I got the video from PBS. But, Lera’s compositions move me up to hearing the sincere exhortation of my own soul that I do more and more things worthy of my best in this life. She inspires me to want to bathe my muse in the experience of her performances as I did in Riga, Latvia in August of 2009 when I was part of a camera crew filming her “Russian Requiem.”

In my work, I remind people of the need for a “Downshift.” Health requires that we take breaks for rejuvenation: thus I created my Lifestyle Design Guide, my stress management topics and self-care talks. Attending a production of Lera’s “The Little Mermaid” would be the epitome of  a break to get away for me. This beautiful and brave woman and her Art motivate me to touch my Soul’s calling. In essence, Lera Auerbach’s life sometimes gives me the ultimate gift–parts of myself which I would otherwise not know.

So you can experience another moment of this remarkable woman, here is a rare PBS interview with Lera.

If you want to take the Riso Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator that I use, see the link directly to the test page at the bottom of my web page to the Enneagram Institute website. It just costs $10. If you would like me to help you interpret your scores, give me a call at 214-636-5889 for an appointment.

My reply:

I appreciate your question, Anri. Here are a few things I can express briefly; I have thought about this and written at length on infidelity; its sources and resolutions:
1. Lack of Maturity
2. Lack of Emotional Intelligence
3. Lack of Knowledge
4. Lack of Skills
Thanks, Chris. After infidelity, I try to start fair by reminding the couple that there must be something missing (one or more of the above) in their marriage/relationship (best friends who are romantic). No blame, just logic, and let’s figure that out.
Yes, the affair must be ended. And, I think there needs to be enough of the Five Languages of Apology and forgiveness…but it is not possible for an intelligent person to forget completely (such an injury, if forgotten, can happen again).
I want to be sure to remind them that this is a sledgehammer wake-up call. Something needs to change and improve.
The betrayed party often wants to know every detail – it’s up to you how much of that you recommend. I think the less the better – less rumination and sooner on to what’s relevant: what needs to change. Namely more talking, more time, more fun, more meaning, more help, etc…this is the point where the energy is so high that you can press the envelope of intimacy to the next level of vulnerability and caring.
And, then the grieving. Grief about something precious in a relationship usually affects many secondary losses and, of most profundity, ends a sense of loss of a part of our own identity (a carefully-held role) and that is the most difficult to rebuild – often takes 3 years.
For more…When I was presenting at NARME this year, I attended Dr. Scott Haltzman’s introduction to his new book: Secrets of Surviving Infidelity. It was superb.

Chris and Barbara, thanks so much, you’re adding to my languaging for this. It really feels like a dance I do internally…hunting for the view which suits their personalities and style of relationship. There’s that dilemma: am I reinjecting the “other party” or am I helping them get enough clues to “de-glamorize the other party,” quantify the affair so it diminishes in comparison to the marriage? But, then, there are affairs which were SO intense that the marital relationship looks mundane. I’m usually on a hunt for the foundation of strength, goodness and value in the marriage, the family and the lifestyle which will help us diminish the value in any illicit relationship.
Yes, Barbara, I, too, recommend time-limited focus on the hurtful and commensurate (more) time on expressions of love languages to replace the negative and the accumulation of lack. The idea of “un-knowing” is profound – I’ve experienced the injured party re-wounding him or herself visualizing their mental pictures compulsively.
Sometimes, depending on their philosophical filters, I can point out the great value in the affair because it was the only kind of wake-up call which would immediately slam on the brakes and stop the downward spiral in the marriage. It may remind them of how much attention their relationship could receive but wasn’t.