excerpts from...
Grief Recovery
A Journey of Spiritual Growth
Twelve Weeks of Healing and Learning
with HeatherCarlile

Session I. Understanding Grief

Rising to the broadest view of life’s journey, we can observe that what brings aliveness is the continuous process of change. The natural order of things is to move away from the old and toward the new. Grief is the chaotic place of transformation which falls between the past and the yet-to-come. The greater the loss, the more traumatic the place of change and mourning.

1. Natural Responses to Loss

RESPONSES TO LOSS: According to Ken Moses, Ph.D., internationally renowned grief expert, we all have three choices following a major core level loss:

ACT OUT - Behave in unusual patterns or out-of-control usage of substances or habits.
DISSOCIATE - Split off or shut down one or more parts of our feeling self.
GRIEVE OR MOURN - Experience and express the emotions (includes catharsis of tears).

The Catharsis of Grieving or Mourning: You need to give yourself permission to grieve…to feel the loss and cry out the pain. If you don’t express and release your feelings, you will block the grieving process causing adjustment problems later on.

"Grief that is expressed is grief that we can live with; grief that is suppressed is grief that will rise up to haunt us, surprise us, and shape our lives in ways we cannot control."
-Helen Fitzgerald

Symptoms: When you are mourning or grieving a loss, it is normal to be:

Forgetful - you are using more of your right brain abilities so the logical and memory abilities can be secondary.
Exhausted - emotional intensity and unusual responsibilities drain energy.
Confused - when you are experiencing the deep emotions of grief, you are feeling more than thinking.
Hallucinations - especially following a death you may see non-physical images. This may be just a manifestation of the searching and yearning for the person who is gone.
Anger and Relief - Don’t feel guilty about feeling anger or relief at times. Both are normal reactions. But be sure you share those feelings only with people who will understand and not judge you for having them.

You know you’re grieving when you:

Have difficulty concentrating and making decisions or have a short attention span.
Are absent-minded or forgetful.
Are irritable - easily angered - bothered by little things.
Experience shortness of breath, tightness in throat, heaviness in chest.
Have difficulty sleeping or sometimes sleep more than usual.
Feel distant, separate or different from others, like “observing from afar.”
Feel alone no matter how many people are present.
Feel lost, without direction or adrift.
Cry at unexpected times and often over seemingly unrelated things.
Find yourself working abnormally long hours.
Sometimes feel like you have no energy and don’t want to do anything.
Are angry or critical towards family or friends over things said or not said.
Have little or no interest in things you used to enjoy.
Review your past and friendships/opportunities lost.
Feel old or worthless and of no value to others.
Find most conversations boring, superficial or trivial.
Feel that listening to others complain is sometimes too much to handle.
Want to change career or job, residence, friends, spouse, etc. (Not wise now.)
Replay over and over what happened - who said what - who did what.

It is normal to have fleeting thoughts of giving up or even of suicide. Just let those thoughts float on through. However, if they become prolonged or pervasive…SEEK HELP.

2. The Stages of Grief

Shock or Denial and Isolation: Emotional Numbness, and Very Clear Thinking to Solve Problems and Take Responsibility for Practical Matters.
Emotional Reaction: Anger, Bargaining, Depression - Emotional Intensity, Sensitivity to Profound Personal Change Internally and Externally.
Renewal or Acceptance: Acceptance of the Change, Re-birth of Identity and a New Life’s Journey.

MULTIPLE EMOTIONAL STAGES: During change or loss, you may experience more than one stage or aspect of the emotional states of grief at once. Notice how many of them you are in at the present. How many have you already been through?

EMOTIONAL REACTION: SIX FEELING STATES OF GRIEF:

NO PARTICULAR ORDER: These emotional states do not occur in any particular order and we may experience more than one at-a-time. They are automatic reactions to a core level loss. They do not progress in an orderly fashion, rather we experience them as chaos sometimes feeling two or more at the same time.

3. Identify Your Sub-Losses

Most major losses are made up of many smaller sub-losses.

For example, someone who is divorced has lost not only the marriage (the spouse role), but also may have lost:

It is important to identify these smaller losses so you can better understand the “BIG ONE.” By breaking down this overwhelming loss, you can say good-bye to each sub-loss, one-at-a-time. Letting go of the less significant ones first will allow you to proceed to the most hurtful ones, gaining strength along the way.

4. Help Others Help You

ASK AND INFORM: Rally your support network. Tell friends and family what you need. Remember that most of your dear ones have a desire and a need to be informed.

THREE PLUS: Find at least three friends- you will wear one out!

SENSITIVITY AND TEACHING: Know that some of the people you love, trust and lean on will disappoint you. Remember, this is due to their lack of information regarding grief and their discomfort at seeing your pain. Be patient and educate them. In the meantime, turn to someone (from the group perhaps) who knows how to help.

"If we could read the secret history of those we would like to punish,
we would find in each life enough grief and suffering to make us
stop wishing anything more on them."
-A Hebrew Scholar

Recommended Reading:

Awakening from Grief:
Finding the road back to joy
by John E. Welshons

The Grieving Child:
A Parents Guide
by Helen Fitzgerald

The Mourning Handbook
by Helen Fitzgerald

Self-Nurture:
Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else
by Alice D. Domar

More Resources:

Bill Moyers on Death and Dying

Griefnet.org is an Internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss. It has 47 e-mail support groups and two web sites. This integrated approach to on-line grief support provides help to people working through loss and grief issues of many kinds. The companion site, KIDSAID, provides a safe environment for kids and their parents to find information and ask questions.

Dear Friends,
Attend my 12-week class for those in need of
moving through the difficult time after a loss: