Most couples come for marriage counseling and they tell me that they have communication problems.
I ask each of them: “If we can solve the conflict, do you want to be married to this person?” When each of them say’s “Yes,” my reply is: “Then we can handle this easily.” But, if all it took to communicate effectively is intelligence and desire, they wouldn’t need my help. So, we begin a journey of discovery. I need to understand what’s missing. Sometimes I tell people that I am like a detective working to discover and put together the clues.
There are many sources of fighting or for miscommunication. Here is my first source of information:
The Enneagram. So often the most-telling clues lie within our personalities and the Enneagram show me so many levels. As I will tell you, even the first time you call me: “My best tool is the Enneagram.” And, you can find your Type immediately by going to the instrument I request for the first session with me. It’s the RHETI: the Riso Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator. You can take the quiz now online for only $10. It will take you about 45 minutes and you will have opened the doorway to deep self knowledge and clues for your spouse or partner on how you communicate best.
Here is my guidance on a direct link to the test page. http://heathercarlile.com/enneagram-introduction/enneagram-personalities/
And, when you receive the email with your nine numbers, you can share them with me and I will help you interpret your Enneagram and create the Composite Couples Enneagram for you. My consultations are 1 1/2 hours for $170. Just call or text me at 214-636-5889 or email me at email@example.com. If you would like my guidance and you aren’t local, I am available for Skype, Google Hangouts and FaceTime, too.
My talk for the Fourth Annual Compassion Fatigue Symposium today is
Here are my handouts, links and references. I hope they benefit others.
The fabulous Dr. Kelly McGonigal wrote “The Willpower Instinct: How Self-control Works, Why It Matters and What You Can Do to Get More of It.” You can also watch her TED Talk on how stress doesn’t need to be destructive…in essence, all we need to do is have a specific type of positive outlook.
The Nine Habits of a Healthy Lifestyle: bluezones.com for free Vitality Compass and Happiness Compass. Link to Dan Buettner’s talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_buettner_how_to_live_to_be_100.html
http://dcoe.health.mil./content/navigation/documents/mind-body skills for regulating the autonomic nervous system.pdf
Learn from my more than 60 free You Tube Talks at
We now have the results of new research: the Fight, Flight or Freeze response is more typical for men. For women, see Dr. Shelly E. Taylor’s book called “The Tending Instinct.” She shows how women respond to stress or threats with the drive to tend and befriend–typically their children and female friends.
There is also the “Fawn” response:
“A fourth type of triggered response can be seen in many codependents.(Codependency is defined here as the inability to express rights, needs and boundaries in relationship; it is a disorder of assertiveness that causes the individual to attract and accept exploitation, abuse and/or neglect.) I have named it the fawn response…the fourth ‘f’ in the fight/flight/freeze/fawn repertoire of instinctive responses to trauma. Fawn, according to Webster’s, means: “to act servilely; cringe and flatter,” and I believe it is this response that is at the core of many codependents’ behavior. The trauma-based codependent learns to fawn very early in life in a process that might look something like this: as a toddler, she learns quickly that protesting abuse leads to even more frightening parental retaliation, and so she relinquishes the fight response, deleting “no” from her vocabulary and never develops the language skills of healthy assertiveness.” -Pete Walker
Stress List This is ‘the go-to’ SRRS – The Holmes and Rahe Life Changes Stress Rating Scale.
Here is a quote from Dr. Kelly McGonigal’s talk:
“The compassionate heart that finds joy and meaning in connecting with others, and yes, your pounding physical heart, working so hard to give you strength and energy, and when you choose to view stress in this way, you’re not just getting better at stress, you’re actually making a pretty profound statement. You’re saying that you can trust yourself to handle life’s challenges, and you’re remembering that you don’t have to face them alone.
People who experienced a lot of stress but did not view stress as harmful were no more likely to die. In fact, they had the lowest risk of dying of anyone in the study, including people who had relatively little stress.”
Congratulations to coordinator, Sharyn Fein, for a beautiful and meaningful symposium. Here is today’s group in the Nia movement class:
The confirmation came in this week. I am honored to be presenting one of the one-hour workshops but, even more, to be entrusted with a One-Day Training at NARME this year. My topic is “Using the Nine Enneagram Personality Styles in Marriage and Family Counseling”
Track: Tools & Resources Training Number: 1T-9 Start Date: Monday, June 30 in Frisco, TX.
Description: Learn the nine Enneagram personality Types and how to use them to help couples and families progress quickly in counseling. The Enneagram is the most comprehensive theory of personality. It reveals clearly and in detail how different people view the world.
Presenter: Heather Carlile, MA, LPC
I’m thrilled that I have been invited to be one of the presenters at The Third Annual Compassion Fatigue Symposium.
Sharyn Fein, Marketing Manager and Staffing Manager of Apple Care and Companion, selected my “Are You One Fire OR Are You Burning Out?” seminar.
It is such an honor to be a part of the 2014 theme: “Your Path to a Balanced Life.” The keynote speakers are Dr. Kristin Neff – Associate Professor, Human Development & Culture, Educational Psychology Department, University of Texas Austin and Dr. Robert Krout – Professor and Chair of Music Therapy Department at Southern Methodist University, Dallas.
You Tube Channel One Year Anniversary:
This week is a celebration: Currently I have had over ten thousand views on my You Tube Channel since Jack posted my 64 videos one year ago.
We decided to let it be viral – we didn’t say anything, just put the videos up. So, now, a year later, it’s so wonderful that people all over the world have found my mentoring videos.
Jack helped me do a live broadcast for about 18 months. I remembered to press the “Record” button most of the time. Now, I have videos to companion people as they use my handbooks.
Here’s the catalog of topics: