FIGHTING AND THE UNDEVELOPED MIND (HONORING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH): Part of my mission is to help stop fighting. Verbal or physical fighting is something that decent people know how to calm and derail in small children. Then, starting in childhood, we refuse to waste our time and intelligence in conflict. It feels bad. It causes harm.
AIR OUR GRIEVANCES SAFELY: When differences arise, we can learn how to solve the problem by willingness to understand both sides. That means the mental ability to sidestep the need to agree, the need to have control over someone else or their opinions, the use of power to force or assault others or the drive to deliver punishment. The best approach is understanding human or social interaction and how communication works. Our ability to be confident, empathetic and knowledgeable makes it effective and respectful. We can be willing to listen completely and to air our grievances safely. We can mentor our children by helping them practice. Some schools implement Peer Mediation or Peer Facilitation prepping the students for thoughtful conflict management through their lifespan.
CHESS VS MONOPOLY — INNER EXECUTIVE VS PROTECTOR: Using the Internal Executive Function is like playing Chess in your thoughts rather than Monopoly. Monopoly rides on the randomness of a throw of dice and staying on a linear path and protecting our money and property. Chess offers many possible moves and series of moves.
EGYPT VS DALLAS: It reminds me of my trip to Egypt. When we were taken on a beautiful air-conditioned German bus to The Valley of the Kings, there was just ONE road and it was straight North and South along the Nile River. Contrast that with the options offered to me by my GPS just to get to our friend’s house for dinner; I look at the detours around parks, the traffic, the size of the roads or streets, rush hour, etc. and choose my most effective strategy knowing that it may change during the course of the trip.
WILLINGNESS TO LEARN: When a couple comes to me for help with their fighting, I am responsible to deliver accurate and practical information. When my clients say, “That makes sense.” Their next words are usually: “What do we do?” They are ready to learn. And, in my field as a marriage counselor, there is always more to learn, more excellence, more refinement, more maturity, more wisdom ahead. I like to think: “If you don’t ask, you won’t know what you are missing.”
MENTAL WOUNDS REQUIRE MORE: This all makes logical sense. And, with information available online, we can find education which suits us. My You Tube Channel has eight one-hour videos on my Couples Communication Guide…free to anyone. However, when I encounter people who were abused or traumatized, pure logic, knowledge and emotional intelligence won’t work. That’s when we need professional guidance.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims. Intimate partners committed 3% of the nonfatal violence against men (2003). Intimate partner violence made up 20% of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women (2001). Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States (2000). In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female) (2000).
LEAVE ABUSE: Here is the link to Belleruth Naparstek’s trustworthy article: How to Leave your Abuser. If you need help, encouragement or a listening ear, please call me ASAP: 214-636-5889.
PARENTING: Consider how often you hear yourself say: “Well my Dad/Mom did it this way…” We determine the goodness of our children’s lives and relationships by how we behave, solve arguments and help them to find resolutions.
Each time we encounter a child, we are having an impact.
What happens when a couple experiences irritation because of intelligence mis-match? As a Marriage Counselor, I feel responsible to ensure that a couple can respect each other as equals. So, even when our talents and intelligences don’t completely match, if we understand how our differences benefit the marriage, we can treasure our spouse or mate for bringing other abilities to our relationship and our life. My opinion is that this is the best foundation of being best friends in our intimate relationships.
When I’m asked about how many intelligences there are, this is my best information. I did research and found several systems of intelligences. The most widely-known comes from Dr. Howard Gardner’s seven intelligences. But there are broader definitions. I like to be comprehensive so that we don’t have blind spots in our understanding.
Another way of looking at our talents:
Here are my best sources:
Even the professional community is just beginning to know how to treat trauma. We have learned that, if we use the classic methods taught in grad school, we can re-injure a client who has been traumatized. So, keep looking until you find someone with mind/body experience for helping those who have been traumatized with methods beyond just communicating.
BIG T AND LITTLE t: Big T traumas are like an accident or a natural disaster. Little t traumas are usually forms of abuse…often the complex trauma which children experience in childhood from parents who are out of control.
Here is trustworthy information about a practical way to help you or your loved-one to heal an emotional wound or trauma.
This is from Belleruth Naparstek at Health Journeys. Her company is the source of superlative mp3 and CD products and is my top recommendation for guided imagery and visualization audio tracks. In collaboration with those designing help for soldiers, she constructed the book so that anyone, anywhere, can get this book and the audio CDs to use on their own.
by Belleruth Naparstek from Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal
CONNECT WITH FEELINGS: To help reestablish a connection with the world of feelings, face down unpleasant symptoms and move under them to the core of the hurt, in order to cognitively and emotionally integrate what has happened.
Belleruth Naparstek also gives a list of “The Ten Comprehensive Healing Approaches” for Trauma:
by Belleruth Naparstek from Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal
Find a therapist who is willing to function as a “general contractor” connecting with the ten techniques as-needed.
Or, for yourself, create the conditions and do the practices that heal guided by the ten comprehensive healing approaches.
Two additional sources of healing:
“We continue to be blown away by the reaction that Mimi Guarneri’s Scripps study is getting. This is the RCT (randomized, controlled trial) where 123 combat exposed Marines, newly returned and between deployments at Camp Pendleton, with symptoms of PTS, were assigned to either 6 sessions (over the course of 3 weeks) of treatment with Healing Touch plus our Healing Trauma imagery; or treatment as usual (which I think was individual counseling with EMDR).
The study found that, over those 3 short weeks, symptoms of PTS declined significantly, as did depression and cynicism. Pretty exciting stuff, eh? So there’s been a huge amount of interest coming out of the DoD and the V.A., we’re happy to report.
Some of us are not so surprised to see that biofield therapies plus guided imagery are not only a potent combination for reducing PTS, but one that the service members will actually use and recommend to each other, without any sense of stigma or reluctance.
Kudos to the Samueli Institute for making sure these results got published. The findings appeared in the September 2012 issue of Military Medicine.”
I recommend that you subscribe to the Health Journeys newsletters; you can depend on the excellent quality.
Here is the 60-page report on the newest research by the Department of Defense. The list of mind/body treatments is impressive. We know that it is not effective to try to treat trauma using typical talk therapy. It is necessary to reach the unconscious parts of the brain. Here are some of the best methods which have been vetted by a panel of experts.
Here are screenshots which I took of the report results. If you or a loved one has trauma, I hope you find some possibilities here which inspire you to another way to stop the pain.