What happens when a couple experiences irritation because of intelligence mis-match? As a Marriage Counselor, I feel responsible to ensure that a couple can respect each other as equals. So, even when our talents and intelligences don’t completely match, if we understand how our differences benefit the marriage, we can treasure our spouse or mate for bringing other abilities to our relationship and our life. My opinion is that this is the best foundation of being best friends in our intimate relationships.
When I’m asked about how many intelligences there are, this is my best information. I did research and found several systems of intelligences. The most widely-known comes from Dr. Howard Gardner’s seven intelligences. But there are broader definitions. I like to be comprehensive so that we don’t have blind spots in our understanding.
Another way of looking at our talents:
Here are my best sources:
Even the professional community is just beginning to know how to treat trauma. We have learned that, if we use the classic methods taught in grad school, we can re-injure a client who has been traumatized. So, keep looking until you find someone with mind/body experience for helping those who have been traumatized with methods beyond just communicating.
BIG T AND LITTLE t: Big T traumas are like an accident or a natural disaster. Little t traumas are usually forms of abuse…often the complex trauma which children experience in childhood from parents who are out of control.
Here is trustworthy information about a practical way to help you or your loved-one to heal an emotional wound or trauma.
This is from Belleruth Naparstek at Health Journeys. Her company is the source of superlative mp3 and CD products and is my top recommendation for guided imagery and visualization audio tracks. In collaboration with those designing help for soldiers, she constructed the book so that anyone, anywhere, can get this book and the audio CDs to use on their own.
by Belleruth Naparstek from Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal
CONNECT WITH FEELINGS: To help reestablish a connection with the world of feelings, face down unpleasant symptoms and move under them to the core of the hurt, in order to cognitively and emotionally integrate what has happened.
Belleruth Naparstek also gives a list of “The Ten Comprehensive Healing Approaches” for Trauma:
by Belleruth Naparstek from Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal
Find a therapist who is willing to function as a “general contractor” connecting with the ten techniques as-needed.
Or, for yourself, create the conditions and do the practices that heal guided by the ten comprehensive healing approaches.
Two additional sources of healing:
“We continue to be blown away by the reaction that Mimi Guarneri’s Scripps study is getting. This is the RCT (randomized, controlled trial) where 123 combat exposed Marines, newly returned and between deployments at Camp Pendleton, with symptoms of PTS, were assigned to either 6 sessions (over the course of 3 weeks) of treatment with Healing Touch plus our Healing Trauma imagery; or treatment as usual (which I think was individual counseling with EMDR).
The study found that, over those 3 short weeks, symptoms of PTS declined significantly, as did depression and cynicism. Pretty exciting stuff, eh? So there’s been a huge amount of interest coming out of the DoD and the V.A., we’re happy to report.
Some of us are not so surprised to see that biofield therapies plus guided imagery are not only a potent combination for reducing PTS, but one that the service members will actually use and recommend to each other, without any sense of stigma or reluctance.
Kudos to the Samueli Institute for making sure these results got published. The findings appeared in the September 2012 issue of Military Medicine.”
I recommend that you subscribe to the Health Journeys newsletters; you can depend on the excellent quality.
Here is the 60-page report on the newest research by the Department of Defense. The list of mind/body treatments is impressive. We know that it is not effective to try to treat trauma using typical talk therapy. It is necessary to reach the unconscious parts of the brain. Here are some of the best methods which have been vetted by a panel of experts.
Here are screenshots which I took of the report results. If you or a loved one has trauma, I hope you find some possibilities here which inspire you to another way to stop the pain.
We are starting a generation based on the artful use of vast information and the focused implementation of schooled abilities in order to build healthy lives.
DIRECTION AND DESTINATION: Thanks to the synthesis and culmination of advancements through the previous generations, we have the research and the knowledge to indicate the human direction and destination. We are at that point where the conclusions of those on the quest are ready for implementation. Mentors are needed at the front in leadership rather than on the sidelines investigating the why’s and how’s. My years of working with clients and colleagues, researching, studying and curating tell me that the information is ready to be communicated to more people. In so many spheres, we now know why and how we get positive or negative results with individuals, relationships and communities and…we know what to do for improvements.
THE MAPS ARE DONE: We already know the direction of the journey and how to get there. The teachers need to receive the tools discovered and created by the seekers. Our goal, now, is to work our way into visibility to offer the new maps to the general population. This sort of pioneering is foreign to so many of us who have been in the mode of seeking and articulating the answers.
WIELDING TECHNOLOGY: We know how to master ourselves, find meaning and build relationships. A few are schooled into wielding technology and information for health and competence but a decent life escapes so many. Images and reports of diseased or handicapped cultures have become so pervasive that we are anesthetized by our avoidance of or by our insensitivities to lost families, unresolved grief, stunted communication, disrespectful violations, antiquated education and non-existent communities. Many of our people and our relationships don’t reflect the marvels of our instruments. It’s as if alot of the world wide web is being administered by children in middle school. We can learn from the experts and ensure that screen time enriches and expands our abilities and relationships.
INNATE ABILITIES: The goal is to put our citizens in a position where they can have the experiences necessary for them to grow most of their abilities into usefulness. There are seven innate or developmental human abilities. We already have expert knowledge about these abilities, when they are grown and how they are mastered. All seven can be set in place before a child finishes high school.
EDUCATE: The next quest is on how to educate and how to replace the outmoded methods. So far, the energy of entrepreneurs has focused on material success. And, now, we have gathered the information on how to use those visionary internal and social inventions for creating an energetic and creative population. Next, if we focus our innovators on providing access to that knowledge, the cultural norms will inform and inspire willingness, meaning and community.
INNOVATE: Already, a portion of our population has located the brilliant innovators and has begun using that wisdom for young ones. The fundamental drive of love always fuels motivation. Parents access bravery which moves them beyond the norm into hunting for better and bringing it to their children. When they can locate and learn what is next and best, those responsible for the young forge ahead. We are ready to curate the information to benefit our children, parents and families and point to the best. When the evidence is made visible enough, it will inspire a snowball effect.
A FORCE FOR GOOD: In July, the Dalai Lama turned 80. Daniel Goleman wrote, “A Force for Good” in honor of him this year. Here is a quote: “He redirects our focus from how bad things are to how our world could be better. He looks beyond just what’s urgent now, for ourselves, and calls for action that will matter for all, including generations far ahead.” And, in his Forward, the Dalai Lama wrote: “While reading this book, please keep in mind that as human beings, equipped with marvelous intelligence and the potential for developing a warm heart, each and every one of us can become a force for good.”
-Heather Carlile, September 20, 2015
ONGOING CONFLICT:They continue to treat each other the same way they did when they were teens. Couples in Marriage Counseling often describe behaviors, fighting and resentment. Sometimes it has escalated into being mean, harmful, abusive or violent. They are indicating to me that that they are stuck.
They are stuck because they don’t know how to stop the negativity. They don’t have the knowledge nor the skill to resolve their differences. Even though they love each other, their inability to share their grievances respectfully, is dirtying or carving off pieces of their bond. They don’t now how to solve or resolve their conflicts.
And, sometimes, my job is to say, in the most respectful manner, “It’s time for you both to grow up.” They continue to treat each other the same way they did when they were teens. As a Marriage Counselor, I remind us that it really requires adults…a man and a woman…to build an intimate relationship, and people who want to love: a husband and a wife…a marriage.
Our Ability to Create INTIMACY (Erikson’s 6th Psychosocial Developmental Stage starts in the First Adulthood between 28 and 30) comes AFTER Adolescence.
A Few of the Costs of Skipping IDENTITY (Erikson’s 5th Psychosocial Developmental Stage from 13 to 28) and Trying to Create an Intimate, one-on-one relationship in adolescence before Identity is complete:
Identity – An Integrated Image of Oneself as a Unique Person: A. Try Different Roles, B. Develop a Sense of Self and C. the Meaning of Life through relationships with family, peer groups and out-groups. (NOT girlfriends or boyfriends.)
Should we expect otherwise?
The immaturity and ignorance born of unfinished adolescence saddle us with:
We face a lack of:
With these handicaps, people justify compromising a respect for goodness. I hear the complaints and anguish of loneliness, lost hope, narrowed options, addiction, longing for a mate, tolerating abuse, boredom and emptiness.
GENERATIONAL JOURNEY: Our times expose those with the unwillingness to value adulthood, with its requisite psychological agility, clear identity, responsible achievement, service to society and quality activities. We have been on a generational journey to stay young, to seek stimulus or thrills, sensory distraction in pleasure or numbing and present-moment novelty.
TO CONFRONT, TO OPPOSE, TO EMULATE: Our news media have been reporting incidents which display, as Leo Rosten observed, “what the dissatisfied students were looking for were adults—adults to confront, to oppose, to emulate.” Without education for “Keeping Our Teens On Track,” today’s parents are lost in a snowballing trend to stay young and to avoid growing up.
(See the supporting research done by Diana West in her book, “The Death of the Grown-Up: How America’s Arrested Development is Bringing Down Western Civilization.”)
GROWING UP: THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF A HEALTHY LIFE
Developmental Psychology has mastered how the brain, personality and character grow and methods to ensure that we succeed with parenting and teaching the next generation. Here are eight basic growth goals:
Today’s mentors and educators are fully prepared to teach all of these natural abilities now. The only obstacle is how to develop enough providers and how to reach the people who are ready to learn. Perhaps the very mediums that deliver the bad news will create innovative means for delivering the information and resources.
by Heather Carlile
Dallas, Texas 2015
INEPT MEN: I think that romance is a skill. Tragically, I see some cultures, North America among them, lack male role models and mentors who show guys the ropes in the relationship arts of being a gentleman, a romantic, and a man who respects women and can court a lady. The female side to this deprivation of romance is just one feminine paradox. Once he has bonded with her as a best friend, he is ready to offer her a home and become her lover.
INEPT WOMEN: And, so sadly, often, a woman doesn’t or can’t develop her flirtatiousness because of certain cultural attitudes, harsh beliefs or hurtful experiences. She learns either to repress her sexiness or to risk being labeled ‘easy’ or worse.
A spouse often ‘strays’ because the woman has been disrespected by her man’s ignorance about how to treat a lady in public, at home and in their bedroom. Usually a woman’s libido naturally shuts down if she isn’t feeling bonded, safe, understood, cared for and validated.
JUST BUDDIES: Her husband may know what he wants but may not know how valuable it is to be a romantic and, therefore, doesn’t know how to tend to her femininity and her sexual response to create the bond between lovers. The wife may be disconnected from her body and her sexuality for various reasons such as childhood harm, low self-esteem, cultural judgements, etc. And they may still be more comfortable with their friends as individuals rather than focusing on developing a new lifestyle as a couple with mutual fun with other couples vs too much of him riding his motorcycle or her in her book club.
Courtney had given up hope that Chris would ever listen to her. He was an energetic attorney who thought he was being a generous husband when he built a lake house so she and the kids could come with him and his friends during fishing season. Until they were in my office and until his outrage at her affair was sobered by my insistence, he had not yet heard nor placed any meaningful value on her complaints.
Courtney wanted what most women need in their intimate relationship: time for affection, validation, personal attention and friendship. The trips to the lake house didn’t provide that, rather she was exhausted by packing up the SUV for their whole family, doing the increased work at the lake of additional family housekeeping and cooking during what was supposed to be vacation. But her gentle complaints fell on deaf ears.
One of the other dads in their country club had noticed that, like him, she was always alone with the kids at the tennis court. He was a professional man in the world of communication and arts. His attention and conversation made her feel like a great mom and, also, a smart and beautiful lady. She enjoyed the easy friendship which ended up turning into an emotional affair and then quiet romantic hours when her husband was working long days and was too busy to notice.
At last, when her husband, Chris, agreed to learn to spend time paying attention to her, to listen to her concerns, to talk with her, to touch her in the ways that made her feel loved rather than in trying to get what he wanted, it was easy for Courtney cut off the affair. She genuinely wanted her husband and was grateful that, at last, the man she really loved wanted all of her and wanted to learn to make her feel adored in her marriage. It took Chris months to get over his feelings of being betrayed even though he understood that his wife’s affair was due to his lack of romantic skills. Their marriage counseling was complete as they built a new intimate bond through friendship and romance.
INTIMACY LOST: Romance before its time gives only the illusion of intimacy. I believe that our generation has unintentionally skipped parts of the six natural steps of full psychological development. When we are unable to continue the family bond of learning and adventure through adolescence, our teens find bonds with each other and plunge into intimacy before they are prepared.
USE TECHNOLOGY ARTFULLY: Our parents and grandparents were not equipped to keep us on track to adulthood in the current environment. They couldn’t have been ready. One example: our great inventors and visionaries couldn’t foresee that a purely technical manual for our televisions, telephones, video games and computers couldn’t inform us of how to use our technology with wisdom and artfulness to maintain our children’s growth and a healthy family lifestyle.
Those of us who devote our professional lives to knowing people well are starting to have access to the research data which points out the value in choosing how to bring the media into our homes and hands for wholesomeness.
DATE NIGHT: For more help with knowledge, I recommend focusing on date night. And, go beyond the basic choices. Dinner out, movies and drinks will always be there. Consider the favorites either of you have or which the two of you share. Your dates don’t even have to be a night…just together. Searching online for date ideas could be a date in itself.
1. The Invisible Ways We Lose Our Romance and How to Get it Back
2. Arousing the Romantic Bond – Novelty
3. Chemistry – Arousal is More than Sex
4. Sexual Intimacy in a Marriage – The Universal Panacea.